Walking Through the F-word...... fear
I drove to the studio this morning and was presented with the image of Lady Rainier in my front windshield. Summer is a daily glimpse (on clear days) of her transition from snow covered white to tiny openings of earth showing through where the snow melts and crevasses open up. We live in her shadow, and she is always there showing us her massive beauty.
The feelings she invokes in me are mixed, depending on the day. Some days I see beauty, wonder, amazement, awe.... my heart opens and I am so thankful to see her! Other days, I see fear, cold, pain, exhaustion, frustration (these are the days I even call her a different name!)
I have been living in her shadow most of my life, so I am no stranger to the image in my peripheral. She hasn't really changed, with exception to the snow melt seasonally. She stands in her strength and massive 14, 411 ft volcanic wonder as the backdrop to our day to day life. It is I who have changed in my perception of her.
Many of you already know that I have trudged my way to the top of Mt. Rainier twice since 2015. The sight of her, brings up the feelings of fear from ladder crossings, steep icy couloirs, mental and physical exhaustion on top of altitude head and stomach aches. The imprint of Rainier, is deeply felt within me. I cannot remember anything that made such a positive AND negative imprint in my entire life, as the walk up this massive peak. After this accomplishment I felt many conflicting emotions (in addition to physical pains)... but the word I would use to describe the experience today, is humbled.
Every experience throughout our lives leaves an imprint. Our yoga tradition calls some of these subtle impressions "samskaras". These imprints through our experiences "color" our perception of ourselves, others, places and things. Our thinking determines our reality, motivating our speech, our thoughts and our actions. These powerful samskaras become our personality, our habits and of course our perception.
The practice of Yoga goes well beyond our time spent on the mat, moving through postures and breath. The wise Sage Patanjali points out to us that it is our practice in behaviors and thoughts that actually begin the journey to "Samadhi" (the deepest level of awareness). With this in mind, it is important that we identify patterns of thought, habits (both good and bad) and take action to clear our perception. To live with awareness that my perception is constantly altered because of events of my life, is freeing! I am no longer a slave to my thoughts about any particular person, place or thing when I remember to "check" where these imprints are effecting me.
I can look up at Lady Rainier and remember that she is the same. I can put in the work (practice) and let go of the results (detachment). I can see my perceptions for what they are, and not let my mountaineering experience blind me from her mystery, her beauty, her awe..... She is simply a mountain.
Today, as crazy as it sounds to many people....I think I will try to hang out with her again. Walking up that mountain represents the essence of walking through fear, putting in the work, and letting go of the results. Look for me waving on the summit, end of July, so long as she lets me try...
....ultimately it's up to her.
~Heidi Krotzer
Executive Director